Mr. Cornell, Ah have tried to be neighborly. Ah have tried to be friendly, and Ah have tried to be cordial. The first night, Ah was so appreciative that you carried mah trunk up the stairs…the fact is that it slipped and fell five flights and smashed into pieces was not your fault. Ah didn’t even mind that personal message you painted on the stairs! Ah thought it was crazy, but sorta sweet. However, things have now gone too far. Ah can hardly accept gifts from a man ah hardly know. Especially canned goods. And Ah can read your little note. I can guess the gist of it even if Ah don’t speak Italian. This has got to stop, Mr. Cornell. Ah can do very well without you leavin’ little chocolate almond Hershey bars in mah mailbox. They melted yesterday, and now Ah got three gooey letters from home with nuts in ‘em. And Ah can do without you sneakin’ into mah room after I leave for work and paintin’ mah balcony without tellin’ me about it. Ah stepped out there yesterday, and mah slippers are still glued to the floor. And Ah can do without you tying big bottles of Eau de Cologne to mah cat’s tail. The poor thing kept swishin’ it yesterday and nearly beat herself to death.
And MOST of all, Ah can certainly do without you watchin’ me get on the bus everyday through that high-powered telescope. You got me so nervous the other day, Ah got on the wrong bus. In short, Mr. Cornell, and I don’t wanna have to say this again, leave me ay-LONE!
Star-Spangled Girl, by Neil Simon