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REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q) A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago ... Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner ... Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. ... RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory Only XT users know that January 1, 1980 was a Tuesday OS/2 - where's the other half? A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far ... He who dies with the most toys is still dead. What's this red button fo|+>#++NO CARRIER Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. Hardware: The part you kick. Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!! Who IS General Failure... And why is he reading my harddrive? ... I'm MAD! This 386 doesn't spel any better than the XT! Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark. Armadillo: Nature's failed attempt to traffic-proof the possum. Can't find COLDBEER.CAN, SysOp not loaded. Can't find COFFEE.COM, Operator halted! I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy 1 good turn gets all the blankets Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue. Data Compressed, but he didn't like it. McBorg: Over 50 million assimilated! IRS: Income Reduction Service A Social Life? Where can I download THAT From? To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking"... Floppy not responding, format Sysop instead? The Apathy Anonymous meeting was cancelled due to lack of interest. is OS/2 only half an operating system? Vodka + milk of magnesia: Phillips screwdriver... To err is human, to really screw up you need a computer! Help... I've callen and I can't hang up! Quoth the Raven: File Access DENIED, forevermore. Double your hard drive space! DELETE WINDOWS! What if there were no hypothetical situations? Love is Grand. Divorce is Fifty Grand! The only time I open my mouth is to change feet. DO NOT DISTURB... already disturbed. Afraid of heights? Not me, I'm afraid of widths! Whoever decided to limit taglines to a single line can just kiss my When you write an original tagline, it's good to be sure and plan ahea Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. If it's not on fire, it's a software problem. I'm on the phon $%5@@%$@@)9y NO CARRIER I threw caution to the wind. It threw it back. I ducked. Friends don't let friends use Macintosh! Frogs are smart... they EAT what bugs them. Stupidity is not a handicap. You have to park elsewhere. Computer Malfunction...Nut Loose In Operator's Chair... Fatal Error 3.14: I'm bored. Computing PI to last digit. Fatal Error 999: Dyslexic computer possessed by devil. I once thought I was dead, but I was just off-line. If it walks out of the refrigerator, let it go! Flying saucers are real; the Air Force doesn't exist. Healthcare Virus: Tests system, finds nothing wrong, bills you $4,500. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence??? I will fight for your right to your wrong opinion. ...and then this novice asked me where the "any" key was! Despite the cost of living, it remains popular! A job is nice but it interferes with my BBS'ing... Man is the only animal that blushes ... or needs to Tomato paste: what you use to fix broken tomatoes. What do you mean my Birth Certificate expired? Filthy stinking rich - two out of three ain't bad Beethoven composed for 43 years...then he decomposed. Please hassle me, I thrive on stress Clinton/Gore: Error - division by zero. It doesn't HAVE to make sense... It's the law! Life is what's happening to you while you're making plans... If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast! Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall ... Beeeep! This is a test of the emergency tagline system. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, & those who can't. Bungee Jumping, makes WWF Wrestling look intelligent! I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon and toast. Hey, Worf. I hooked Data up to a Modem. Wanna see? I am always exact and precise (more or less). And then God said, "No, I meant a BUD light!" Computing is a terminal disease..... Pets are fun. My cat likes to play Hide-and-go-puke. I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention. If you choose not to decide you have still made a choice. Better an incorrect optimist than a correct pessimist. HD Recovery: see online documentation.... All 'isms' are really 'wasms'. For a REAL sponge cake. BORROW all the ingredients. Multitasking = screwing up several things at once. Psycho ceramics: The study of crackpots. Old folks give good advice,because they can no longer set bad examples CONGRESS - transforming energy into solid waste. Tact: Recalling a lady's birthday but forgetting her age. True terror: A female Klingon with PMS. If I made myself clear. Let me know and I'll start over. A penny saved is a congressional oversight. Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error-correcting! Never take a beer to a job interview. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. A mind is a waste of a terrible thing. A clear conscience is usually the result of bad memory. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. You know you're dieting when postage stamps taste good. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. Money isn't everything...usually it isn't even enough... Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria. Junk: Something you need the day after you throw it away Rule 4: There will be NO RULE FOUR!! Error reading FAT Table. Try Skinny one? (Y/N .. I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. "If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos Even a broken clock is right twice a day For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord! Virgin: a tagline that has not been stolen. When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. German word for constipation, Farfrompoopin! 9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women. Madness takes its toll. Have exact change ready The secret of the universe is~~*#~** FF * NO CARRIER The sex was so good, even the neighbors lit cigarettes. If this were an actual tagline, it would be funny. It's not the money I want, it's the stuff. If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419. Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English? Preserve wildlife... pickle a rat. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 74% of all statistics are made up on the spot ... Five words every college grad knows..."You want fries with that?" ... Bad statisticians get Disfigured ... I'm leaving my body to science fiction. ... ALWAYS tell the truth - Unless something better is handy ... A coward is a hero with a family and mortgage. The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist. You either surf or you fight. I love the smell of napalm in the morning... Smells like victory. When I was here, all I could think of was being there. When I was there, all I could think of was getting back. First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me.Good... Bad... I'm the guy with the gun. It's so small, they recently had the whole country carpeted. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. The chip. The British contribution to world cuisine. You don't wanna get laid, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you gotta talk to 'em. Linda Emery: A philosophy major? Now, what can you do with a philosophy major? Bruce Lee: You can think deep thoughts about being unemployed. "Shakespeare once said: Life is pretty stupid, with lot's of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much...I'm paraphrasing of course." --L.A. Story Sally:"So a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?" Harry:"No, you pretty much want to nail them, too" Women, you can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em. "An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition! It's not just saying 'no, it isn't'!" - "Yes it is!" - "No it isn't!!" Men should be like Kleenex- soft, strong and disposable. Sometimes I even amaze myself.- Han Solo, Empire Strikes Back Jamie Lee Curtis -"You think your an intellectual, don't you ape?" Kevin Kline -"Apes don't read philosophy." Jamie Lee Curtis -"Yes they do Otto, they just don't understand it!" "I wasn't kidding. I do have a test today. It's on European Socialism. What's the big deal? I'm not European. I don't plan on becoming European. So why should I care if they're socialists? They could be facist, anarchist pigs. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car." --Ferris Bueller (Ferris Bueller's Day Off) Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want Evil Robot Ted: Aim for the cat, dude! Aim for a cat! Bill S. Preston: You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds! Epstein: Why do you think I'm a homosexual? Eugene: I guess it's because you never talk about girls. Epstein: I never talk about dogs either. Does that make me a cocker spaniel? Sgt. Toomey: You would need three promotions to be an asshole. Deckard: I have had people walk out on me before, but not when I was being so charming. Leon: Nothing is worse than having an itch you can never scratch! Leon: Wake up! Time to die Roy Batty: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die. Frank Booth: Nobody fucks with me! Jeffrey Beaumont: Oh - maybe if you find the right girl... Elwood Blues: Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now! Elwood Blues: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God Elwood Blues: It's a 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Jake Blues: Hit it! Matty Walker: You're not very bright, are you? I like that in a man. John Bender: But face it. You're a neo maxi zoom dweebie, what would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen? Molly: have no respect for women. Joe: I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question. Molly: I guess. Joe: We'll forget dinner.. Ugarte: You despise me, don't you? Rick Blaine: If I gave you any thought I probably would. Yvonne: Will I see you tonight? Rick Blaine: I never make plans that far ahead. Rick Blaine: And remember, this gun is pointed right at your heart. Captain Louis Renault: That is my least vulnerable spot. Wife: Didn't your mother teach you to wash your hands after you went to the bathroom? Bobby Grady: No, she taught me not to piss on my fingers Juliette Forrest: What does "Foc" mean? Rigby Reardon: It's a slang word. When a man and a woman are in love, the man puts his--- Juliette Forrest: No, no. Here: "F. O. C." Rigby Reardon: My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face. Big Boy Caprice: Wait a minute! Wait. Wait. I'm having a thought. Oh yes. Oh yes. I'm going to have a thought. It's coming. It's coming. ...It's gone. Elliot: How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? Han Solo: That's a good story. I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight. Princess Leia Organa: I don't know where you get you delusions, laser brain! C-3PO: R2 says that the chances of survival are 725 to 1. Actually R2 has been known to make mistakes - from time to time... Oh dear... Princess Leia Organa: I love you. Han Solo: I know. Demon: I'll swallow your soul!! I'll swallow your soul!! [Ash points his shotgun at the Demon's head] Ash: Swallow this William "D-FENS" Foster: I'm the bad guy??? How did that happen? George Banks: And don't forget to fasten your condoms! ...Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts. Ferris Bueller: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you would have a diamond. Ed Rooney: I don't trust this kid any farther than I can throw him. Grace: With your bad knee Ed, you shouldn't throw anybody. Ming the Merciless: Pathetic earthlings. Who can save you now? Kees Flodder: He Sjonny, geile wijfe! Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get Brian Kelly: Can I ask you something personal? Tina Trac: Sure... Brian Kelly: Where's the bathroom? James Bond: Do you expect me to talk? Auric Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond! I expect you to die! Manolo: You must be Sasha. Jonathan: You must be going. Phil Connors: Can I talk to you about a matter that is not work-related? Rita: You never talk about work. Felix's Wife: Dr. Connors. I want to thank you for fixing Felix's back. He can even help around the house again. Phil Connors: I'm sorry to hear that, Felix David Greenhill: ..see people like us Miriam, we're ... we're warm; but she's a ... she's an attorney. Kurgan: Nuns. No sense of humor Kurgan: It's better to burn out, than to fade away! Myerson: Now I know what the FBI stands for. `Fucking, Ball-busting Imbeciles'! Ed Okin: Are we under arrest or what? FBI Agent: I think you fall into the 'or what' category. Mr. Miyagi: No such thing, bad student. Only bad teacher. George Kuffs: I got women to do, places to see! Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, danced on a harpsycord and sang: 'Cunning plans are here again'. The certain proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that no one has bothered to make contact with us Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to the garage makes you a car It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather. Flattery is all right, if you don't inhale. Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. That's a great outfit you're wearing . . . I have just the perfect hanger for it. In this life all that I have is my word and my balls and I do not break them for nobody - Al Capone "The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. "For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'" "The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea... There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...." This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific. Life is wasted on the living.- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV In the beginning I was made. I didn't ask to be made. No one consulted me or considered my feelings in this matter. But if it brought some passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way through life's mournful jungle then so be it.- Marvin the Paranoid Android To be, or what?- Sylvester Stallone Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. - Joseph Fischer "Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again." -- Marvin The Paranoid Android "Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone. " Anthony Burgess " big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space. " Douglas Adams In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea. - Douglas Adam Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. Save a tree. Eat a beaver. Sorry, no quote today. There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't. Gravity doesn't excist, the earth sucks. Blind men don't bungi jump, it scares the dog too much. Humor is mankind's greatest blessing - Mark Twain Humor is the shortest distance between two people - Henry Youngman The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed. - Geoffrey Gorer "It is a good thing to follow the first law of holes; if you are in one stop digging. " Denis Healey In his novel ''Dog Years,'' Gunter Grass parodies Heideggerese in the character of a German Air Force auxiliary named Stortebeker, who ''created a philosophical schoolboy language that was soon prattled by many, with varying success.'' Every commonplace incident or object can be rechristened in Stortebeker/Heidegger's hilarious language. Underdone potatoes in the mess kitchen, for example, are ''spuds forgetful of Being.'' Stortebeker relaxes by catching rats, so they are the object of some of his best ruminations: ''The rat withdraws itself by unconcealing itself into the ratty. So the rat errates the ratty, illuminating it with errancy. For the ratty has come-to-be in the errancy where the rat errs and so fosters error.'' Does anyone REALLY read these stupid quotes? ebius tagline. This is a moebius tagline. This is a mo Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check? Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? Life is sexually transmitted. A good laugh is sunshine in a house. (William Makepeace Thackeray) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Ashleigh Brilliant) I have great faith in fools--self-confidence my friends call it. (Edgar Allan Poe) I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. (Anonymous) If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. (Karl Marx's mother) Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. (Ambrose Bierce) I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress. (Jane Siberry) Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: My Reality Check bounced. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing. He who laughs, lasts. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown Ford Prefect: We're safe. Arthur Dent: Ah. Good. Ford Prefect: We're in a cabin of one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet. Arthur Dent: Ah. This is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I hadn't previously been aware of. Announcer: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly 92 million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a really neat idea. Arthur Dent: You know, it's at times like this, when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young. Ford Prefect: Why? What did she tell you? Arthur Dent: I don't know. I didn't listen. Announcer: Men were real men. Women were real women. And small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were *real* small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Marvin: It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level. Zaphod Beeblebrox: Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your major data banks with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget, capisco? [Pause] Okay. Get the axe. Marvin: Life. Loathe it or ignore it. You can't like it. Slartibartfast: Is that your robot? Marvin: No. I'm mine. Dish of the Day: Good evening, madame and gentlemen. I am the main dish of the day. May I interest you in parts of my body? Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, Ford! How many escape capsules are there? Ford Prefect: None. Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them? Ford Prefect: Twice. "Life without you would be like a broken pencil." "How's that?" "Completely pointless." (Blackadder, Series II) 98% of all statistics are made up. (Anonymous) Blind people don't bungee jump. It scares the dog too much. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. When it's fall in New York, the air smells like as if someone's been frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breath the best plan is to open a window and stick your head in a building. -- Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless ...and the aptly named 'Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film'. -- Monty Python 10 out of 5 doctors think it's OK to be schizofrenic. 2 + 2 = 5, for sufficiently large values of 2. Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme But not this Quotations are for people who aren't saying things worth quoting. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways? I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Save a tree. Eat a beaver. There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't. Better three hours too soon than one minute too late. - Shakespeare Boss or Leader? A Boss creates fear; A Leader creates confidence. Bossism creates resentment; Leadership breeds enthusiasm. A Boss says:I; A Leader says:We. A Boss fixes blame; A Leader fixes mistakes. A Boss knows how; A Leader shows how. Bossism makes work drudgery; Leadership makes work interesting. A Boss relies on authority; A Leader relies on co-operation. A Boss drives; A Leader leads. - Anonymous Effective managers manage themselves and the people they work with so that both the organization and the people profit from their presence. - Dan Kelly and all his friends Illinois Buying cheap to save money is like stopping the clock to save time neither works. - Quote from Think and Grow Rich Excellent firms don't believe in excellence Only in constant improvement and constant change. - Tom Peters Feel the power of team work; If you know that a drop of water easily gets dried And a pool of water hardly gets dried. - Brian Hu Advice is like snow; The softer it falls the longer it dwells upon And the deeper it sinks into the mind. - Samuel Taylor Coleridge Authority does not make you a leader It gives you the opportunity to be one. - Anonymous Be thankful for problems or idiots would have your job. - Author unknown Criticize and complain diplomatically: Praise something else first. - Contributed by Amit Shah If you don't care, your customers never will. - Marlene Blaszczyk Lead by example not by force. - Contributed by Dan Kelly and all his friends Illinois Motivate them train them care about them and make winners out of them we know that if we treat our employees correctly they'll treat the customers right and if customers are treated right they'll come back. - J Marriot, Jr. Motivation is what gets you started habit is what keeps you going. - Jim Ryun Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. - Contributed by Jeff Pappas Obstacles are the those frightful things you see When you take your mind off your goals. - Contributed by Sophie & Charlotte Burtt Partnerships are the basis for success. - Neal Prescot Washington People who feel good about themselves, produce good results. - Submitted by Dan Kelly and all his friends Illinois Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go. - William Feather The bitterness of poor quality remains long after low pricing is forgotten!!! - Leon M CautilloIf The desire to have things done quickly Invariably prevents them from being done thoroughly. - Sent by Jody C Burnett California The most important thing in communication is hearing What isn't being said. - Anonymous The only safe ship in a storm is leadership. - Contributed by Nadine Bent Pennsylvania The sale begins when the customer says yes. - Harvey Mackay Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. To lead a symphony You must occasionally turn your back on the crowd. - Anonymous Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers (six if one went to Harvard).. - Edgar R. Fiedler Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.. - John Kenneth Galbraith Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. - Keynes Money couldnt buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides. - John H. Patterson An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex: you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it, and thought of other things if you did. I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain When its a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. - Voltaire A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. - Anonymous Use soft words in hard arguments. - H. G. Bohn, 1855 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. - Caskie Stinnett Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. - Albert Einstein There are two rules for success... 1) Never tell everything you know. - Roger H. Lincoln If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. - Jean Gieraudoux If you wish to be a sucess in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing. - Napoleon Bonaparte It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes theother 90% of the time. Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all! I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Price. Quality. Service: Pick two. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. After all is said and done, more is said than done. People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties. Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them. "Granted, Mr Wheeler's ideas are stupid and unreasonable, but he does own the company and I think we should go along with him..." "Illegitmitatum Non Carborundum Est" - Never let the bastards grind you down! Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. - Harry Emerson Fosdick Consider the past and you shall know the future. - Chinese Proverb You can't get where you want to go if you don't know where you are. To many time we confuse motion with progress. - Cyclops If I wished to punish a province, I would have it governed by philosophers. - Frederick II, the Great The best way to predict your future is to create it. If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. The goal of the works of a genius' existance lies only in itself. Pleasure and joy are deceptive Analytic and romantic understanding should be united at a basic level. Reassimilate the passions from which the rational mind fled. - R.M.Pirsig Fear is the mind killer. - Paul Muad'Ib To have and to want more that is life. - F. Nietzsche All our wanting comes from needs, thus we continiously suffer. The intellect teaches free will, free from suffering. - Arthur Schopenhauer Knowing others is Wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment. - LaoTzu The Truth is realized in an instant; the Act is practiced step by step. - Zen saying If you work on your mind with your mind, how can you avoid immense confusion? - Seng-Ts'an Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; Seek what they sought. - Basho Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself. - Chinese Proverb Knock on the sky and listen to the sound! - Zen saying Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others. - Edward Abbey Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. - African Proverb The man who has no imagination has no wings. - Muhammad Ali The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. - Muhammad Ali There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. - Poul Anderson The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but rather, 'hmm.... that's funny...'. - Isaac Asimov History does not repeat itself. Historians repeat each other. - Arthur Balfour Behind every great fortune there is a crime. - Honore de Balzac ...the myth of socialism is far stronger than the reality of capitalism. That is because capitalism is not really an ism at all. It is what people do if you leave them alone. - Arnold Beichmen, Hoover Institute Fellow Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982) There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know. - Ambrose Bierce Never express yourself more clearly than you think. - N. Bohr The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Niels Bohr You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. - Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein Ability is nothing without opportunity. - Napoleon Bonaparte In politics an absurdity is not a handicap. - Napoleon Bonaparte If you are not an idealist by the time you are twenty you have no heart, but if you are still an idealist by the time you are thirty, you don't have a head. - Randolph Bourne There's no government like no government. - Bumper sticker, seen in Berkeley, CA Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. - Comte de Bussy-Rabutin Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse. - James Carswell How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone. - Coco Chanel One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak. - G. K. Chesterton A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. - Chinese Proverb Behind an able man there are always other able men. - Chinese Proverb In shallow waters, shrimps make fools of dragons. - Chinese Proverb Judge not the horse by his saddle. - Chinese Proverb The palest ink is better than the best memory. - Chinese Proverb The wise man learns more from his enemies than a fool does from his friends. - Chinese Proverb When you want to test the depths of a stream, don't use both feet. - Chinese Proverb I like a man who grins when he fights. - Winston Churchill I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter. - Winston Churchill Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. - Arthur C Clarke Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. - Confucius Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail. - Confucius The superior man is distressed by the limitation of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability he has. - Confucius Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile. - Sean Connery Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. - Marie Curie A man who dares to waste an hour of time has not discovered the value of life. - Charles Darwin There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear. - Daniel Dennett If there are no stupid questions, then what sort of questions do stupid people ask? - Dogbert Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - Dykstra I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice. - - Clint Eastwood Results! Why man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work. - Thomas Alva Edison Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber. - Albert Einstein Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows. - Dwight D. Eisenhower The only way to have a friend is to be one. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Scitum est inter caecos luscum regnare posse. (It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.) - Gerard Didier Erasmus It is never too late to be what you might have been. - Farmer's Almanac, 1995 It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right. - Jim Fiebig If you understand, things are as they are. If you do not understand, things are as they are. - Gensha, Zen Master The dogmatist within is always worse than the enemy without. - S.J. Gould The market is not an invention of capitalism. It has existed for centuries. It is an invention of civilization. - Mikhail Gorbachev When a man's knowledge is deep, he speaks well of an enemy. Instead of seeking revenge, he extends unexpected generosity. He turns insult into humor, ... and astonishes his adversary who finds no reason not to trust him. - Baltasar Gracian Knowledge is power. - Thomas Hobbes A person's maturity consists in having found again the seriousness one had as a child, at play. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book. - Friedrich Nietzsche A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. - P.J. O'Rourke The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. - P.J. O'Rourke Most people get a fair amount of fun out of their lives, but on balance life is suffering, and only the very young or very foolish imagine otherwise. - George Orwell One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell All great truths begin as blasphemies. - George Bernard Shaw A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. - George Bernard Shaw There is no love sincerer than the love of food. - George Bernard Shaw Logic is a tweeting bird in a green meadow. - Mr. Spock The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. - Cornelius Tacitus For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and big words Bother me. - Winnie the Pooh You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. - Boris Yeltsin Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks. Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think. Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery. There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of panty hose. - James Finke, President, Commodore International Ltd. (1982) Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - Dick Brandon A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A computer's attention span is only as long as its extension cord. A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them. A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura Creighton A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant. A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom. A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. - Johnson A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct? A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium? A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer. AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Brook Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it. After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. All computers run at the same speed...with the power off. All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. Another megabytes the dust. Any given program will expand to fill available memory. Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson Any program that runs right is obsolete. Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim. Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable. Avoid temporary variables and strange women. Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran). Avoid unnecessary branches. BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding! Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic? Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure? Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein Brain fried; core dumped. Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try. Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try. C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! CCCP:> format CCCP: /u CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! Choose variable names that will not be confused. Close your eyes and press escape three times. Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Computer Science: Solving today's problems tomorrow. Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are only human. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do. Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere. Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought. Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget. Design: The activity of preparing for a design review. Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will. Disc space, the final frontier! Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Do you like me for my brain or my baud? Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?" Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm. Don't document the program; program the document. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't let the computer bugs bite! Don't stop at one bug. Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card E Pluribus UNIX. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated. Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue... Every bug you find is the last one. Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation. Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* Futuristic: It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer. Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Hackers have kernel knowledge. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N) How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How do I set my laser printer on stun? How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I am the computer your mother warned you about. I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - - Isaac Asimov I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. I just found the last bug. I modem, but they grew back. I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. I smell a wumpus. I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing I used to have a life, then I got v32bis! I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day. I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes. If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan If a program is useful, it must be changed. If a program is useless, it must be documented. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it. If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery. In /dev/null no one can hear you scream In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949 It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are? It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. It's redundant! It's redundant! - R. E. Dundant Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Know Thy User. LISP: To call a spade a thpade. Last one out, turn off the computer! Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style Life would be much easier if I had the source code. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday. Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught. MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Machine independent code isn't. Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Make input easy to proofread. Make it right before you make it faster. Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. "Make sure your code ""does nothing"" gracefully." Managing programmers is like herding cats. Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out. May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson. Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors. Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors. Memory dump: Amnesia... Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. My computer NEVER cras My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI. My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore. Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine. Never write software that patronizes the user. New: It comes in different colors from the previous version. Nice computers don't go down. No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham No line available at 300 baud. No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates. Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... Objects are closer than they appear. Old mail has arrived. Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address. On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Computerworld Button On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning On a clear disk you can seek forever... One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K words. Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket. People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley Performance is easier to add than clarity. Performance proven: It works through beta test. Portable: Survives system reboot. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode. Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer. Programmers do it bit by bit. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is an art form that fights back. Programming is an unnatural act. Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it. Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat. Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally. RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe...... REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)? Random access is the optimum of the mass storages. Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE Real programs don't eat cache. Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round. Revolutionary: The disk drives go round and round. SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory. Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails. Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Software engineer: One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her. Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential. Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ... Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Stack manipulation: The use of inflatable falsies. - -Datamazing, 4/1/78 State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money. State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have. Steinbach's Rule: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle Stock item: We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing. Swap read error. You lose your mind. System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton Terminal glare: A look that kills... That does not compute. The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. The best packed information most resembles random noise. The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2l. The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The less time planning, the more time programming. The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on. The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt. The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. - June, 1972 The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong. The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. - Weinberg, p.152 The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The whole is the sum of its parts, plus one or more bugs The wise person writes bomb-proof code. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion. There are always at least two ways to program the same thing. There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated. There must be more to life than compile-and-go. This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88. This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. This screen intentionally left blank. This system will self-destruct in five minutes. This time it will surely run. Those who can't write, write help files. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Thrashing is just virtual crashing. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To define recursion, we must first define recursion. To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents. UNIX is a computer virus with a user interface. UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody. USER ERROR: Replace user and press any key to continue. Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Use free-form input where possible. User: A harmless drudge. Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard? Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD! WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... Was that your wife I saw in that GIF? Watch out for off-by-one errors. What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities. What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer. When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes. When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual. When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?". Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? Years of development: We finally got one to work. You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. You can't make a program without broken egos. You depend too much on computers for information. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. You have junk mail. You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password. You might have mail. You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Your fault, core dumped. Your password is pitifully obvious. ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume. ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses] [Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. fortune: No such file or directory grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat) The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. - Nathaniel Borenstein There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Jeremy S. Anderson If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. - Edgar W. Dijkstra The only ""intuitive"" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned. Never trust a program unless you have the source. How should I know if it works? That's what Beta testers are for, I only coded it. If it aint broke, don't fix it! Our programs never have bugs, they just develop random features. ID10T ERROR!
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