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Marshmallow with a penis

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ARLEEN. I do not hate you.
JERRY. Sure, you do.
ARLEEN. I am not a hateful person.
JERRY. I suppose “marshmallow with a penis” was a term of


ARLEEN. Are you seriously suggesting we just go around matter-

of-factly hating each other?

ARLEEN. Don’t you think that might have a negative effect on the

chil— (Calling out:) Kevin, put your clothes back on! Lisa, get off

that dwarf!!
JERRY. Maybe it’d be good for them. Maybe they should see us be honest with each other, instead of always faking warm feelings.
ARLEEN. Are you suggesting we hate each other for the sake of the children?
JERRY. I’m saying we should be honest with them, and with


ARLEEN. I do not hate you.
JERRY. I hate you.
ARLEEN. That’s a fine thing to say in the Magic Kingdom.
JERRY. But you do hate me.
ARLEEN. The subject is closed.
JERRY. Arleen...
ARLEEN. (As in, “Shut up!”) Jerry!
JERRY. (Trying to make his point:) You know I will never go

more than five miles over the posted speed limit...

(Arleen doesn’t want to hear about this. JERRY presses on.)
JERRY. You know I will never complain about food at a restaurant, no matter how bad it is...
(Arleen is beginning to get angry but tries not to show it.)
JERRY. I’m never going to improve sexually...
(Arleen starts to boil but holds it in.)
JERRY. I’m going to be eating large curd cottage cheese and Melba toast for breakfast every morning for the rest of my life.
(Arleen can barely hold it in, but she refuses to respond.)
JERRY. (Singing, sort of:)

“It’s a small world after all,

It’s a small world after all...”
ARLEEN. (Exploding:) ALL RIGHT! I HATE YOU!! Now are you satisfied?! I hate you! I hate your ugly little toes, and I hate your grubby little hairs, and I hate everything that’s in-between. God, I hate you! I hate you so much I not only hate everything about you I’ve always hated about you, but I even hate all those things about you I once found cute! Are you satisfied?! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
(Her explosion over, ARLEEN now feels very vulnerable. JERRY

can sense this.)
JERRY. (Warmly:) If it makes you feel better, I hate you just as

ARLEEN. You do?

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