Passover Guide and Seder Supplement

22. Moses

Out of, Pharoh's Egypt went the children that he soon would lure

23. Barney Pesach

Moses took us out we're free.

With a long long walk from Sinai to Israel,

Charlton Heston's role he'd steal.

Enough happiness to keep you sweet;

Enough trials to keep you strong;

Enough sorrow to keep you human;

Enough hope to keep you happy;

Enough failure to keep you humble;

Enough success to keep you eager;

Enough friends to give you comfort;

Enough wealth to meet your needs;

Enough faith in yourself to inspire you to do your best,and

Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.

THE EMPTY CHAIR PRAYER

(Please take a moment at your family seder to join in this prayer:By Rabbi Naftali Schiff)
Do you remember seder night 50 years ago?
We had empty seats in our family after the Nazi Holocaust.
Do you remember seder night 20 years ago?
We had an empty seat in our home for a Jew in Soviet Russia.
This year, 50 percent of young Jews are being lost to apathy and assimilation.
Should we leave an empty seat tonight?
Dear God,
Thank you for allowing us to enjoy another seder night together with our family and friends.
Just as our family joins together on seder night, bridging all distances and differences, please help us the Jewish People to heal the rifts of internal dissent.
Please infuse us with the knowledge and inspire us with the awareness

that Jewish people all over the world are part of our family.

They are our children.

They are our grandchildren.

They are our future.

By Esther Blaustein 1971

Let the produce be fresh and crisp and let there be

Just one more jar of Kosher-for-Passover mayonnaise left.

You see, Lord, I forgot that there is school next week

And tuna fish falls off matzoh sandwiches so easily

When it is not held together with enough mayonnaise.

And while You are at it, could you please make it the rest of the year,too?

And if you do not make me spend so many hours

Swabbing chickenpox with calamine lotion

I promise that I will devote my leisure

To ecology, UJA, JHA and things like that.

For I have labored so long to make everything right and lovely.

Suffer not their little fingers to spill wine on the tablecloth and carpeting

It never seems to come out.

And let them pipe the Mah Nishtanah and the Chad Gadya

In such abundant glee and wisdom

As to make the car pool to Hebrew School worth it.
Ruler of the Universe, it seem that I will never get all these dishes changed

And Everyone's clothes ready, and all the chametz out of the house in time.

So remember, Dear Lord,

To please make sure that the cleaning woman shows up.

Not only with Your bounty, but with people.

All our loved ones, dear friends, new babies,

And young lovers shyly brought home for approval.

And let this year begin, and next year see

Our banquet seats overflowing

With our long-lost Jews who crouch in fear in countries other than ours.
God of Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob, Rachel and Leah

Let me not,

In the hustle and rush of preparation,

Forget what the Passover really means.

Now is the time to prepare to kasher your computer for Pesach (remember the halakhic decision of the Miekrosovter Rebbe, Velvele ("Vill") Getz that it is prohibited to use a computer on Pesach unless all hametz has been removed)

He has been speaking about the price of *****s matzah in Bethmatzah.

He has ****(1) s***king(2) about the p****(3) of *****s matzah in Bethmatzah.

(1) beans are kitniyot

(2) peas are kitniyot

(3) rice is not eaten on Pesach by Ashkenazim

REJOINDER: Do not base any halakhic decisions on this ad. It is possible that it is only a Purim parody. If you are worried about Hametz in your computer files ask a Rabbi. The most interesting decisions will be given by Rabbis on Purim, especially if they are sufficiently inebriated.

BY RABBI STEPHEN BAARS

a. egg roll b. matzah balls c. haroset

a. turning your house upside down b. re-acting the slavery by lugging up the dishes from the basement

c. burning the chometz without being cited by the EPA d. all of the above

3. Matzah is known as the "bread of affliction" because:

a. the slaves ate it b. it makes you constipated c. the price goes up every year

a. behind the carburetor b. in a steel vault with doors 2" thick c. in the underwear drawer

a. Moses and Aaron action figures b. Nissan matchbox trucks

c. "When I was a kid, we were lucky to get a quarter." d. Anything that does not require batteries or assembly

6. The Four Questions include

a. Are we there yet? b. How can we recline without a La-Z-Boy?

c. If a tree falls in an Israeli forest, how quickly can American Jewry plant another?

7. If there were a Passover Hall of Fame, who would you vote to induct?

a. Uncle Louie b. Leonard Nimoy c. Moshe Oofnik d. Charleton Heston

a. the doctor b. the lawyer c. the Russian d. Simple Simon

a. the dust of the earth b. the salt of the earth

c. the stars of the heaven d. the stars on Hollywood Boulevard

10. When Jacob and his family originally went down to Egypt

1. 
   they were only a few, but became "religiously pluralistic"
   

c. spread out in the Land of Goshen

a. Uncle Irving's jokes sound new to you

b. you can no longer tell the difference between Pharaoh and Moses

c. you don't miss bread

(Professor Eliezer Segal, http://www.acs.ucalgary.ca/~elsegal/)

Why is it only

on Passover night

we never know how

to do anything right?

We don't eat our meals

in the regular ways,

the ways that we do

on all other days.

we may eat

all kinds of wonderful

good bready treats,

like big purple pizza

that tastes like a pickle,

crumbly crackers

and pink pumpernickel,

sassafras sandwich

and tiger on rye,

fifty falafels in pita,

fresh-fried,

with peanut-butter

and tangerine sauce

spread onto each side

up-and-down, then across,

and toasted whole-wheat bread

with liver and ducks,

and crumpets and dumplings,

and bagels and lox,

and doughnuts with one hole

and doughnuts with four,

and cake with six layers

and windows and doors.

Yes--

on all other nights

but tonight of all nights

we munch matzah instead.
And on all other nights

we devour

vegetables, green things,

and bushes and flowers,

lettuce that's leafy

and candy-striped spinach,

fresh silly celery

(Have more when you're finished!)

cabbage that's flown

from the jungles of Glome

by a polka-dot bird

who can't find his way home,

daisies and roses

and inside-out grass

and artichoke hearts

that are simply first class!

Sixty asparagus tips

served in glasses

with anchovy sauce

and some sticky molasses--

But on Passover night

you would never consider

eating an herb

that wasn't all bitter.

© D.Grupper,1997

I now break into two

We eat one piece to start our feast

The other when we're through

Yahatz ‘till afikomen

Then these halves unite again

Inside of our abdomen

And Moses is his name,

There is a man, Comin' to Egypt,

In his heart there burns a flame,

In his heart there burns a flame, oh Lord, In his heart there burns a flame.
There is a man, comin' to Egypt,

And his eyes are full of light,

Just like the sun, Come up in Egypt,

Come to drive away the night,

Come to drive away the night, oh Lord, Come to drive away the night.
There is a man, comin' to Egypt,

To heal our souls from pain,

And we will follow, Into freedom,

Never wear these chains again,

Never wear these chains again, oh Lord, Never wear these chains again.

"Uncle Eli's Special-for-Kids Most Fun Ever Under-the-Table Passover

Haggadah" (another Seuss-like version)
And on all other nights

you would probably flip

if anyone asked you

how often you dip.

On some days I only dip

one Bup-Bup egg

in a teaspoon of vinegar

mixed with nutmeg,

but sometimes we take

more than ten thousand tails

of the Yakkity-birds

that are hunted in Wales,

and dip them in vats

full of Mumbegum juice.

Then we feed them to Harold,

our six-legged moose.

Or we don't dip at all!

We don't ask your advice.

So why on this night

do we have to dip twice?

we can sit as we please,

on our heads, on our elbows,

our backs or our knees,

or hang by our toes

from the tail of a Glump,

or on top of a camel

with one or two humps,

with our foot on the table,

our nose on the floor,

with one ear in the window

and one out the door,

doing somersaults

over the greasy k'nishes

or dancing a jig

without breaking the dishes.

Yes--

on all other nights

So why on this night

must it all be reclining?

FOUR MORE SONS: FOUR MORE QUESTIONS

Ron Arad, Zachary Baumel, Tzvi Feldman, Yehuda Katz.

While fighting for their people and the security of the State of Israel, these sons, soldiers in the Israel Defense Forces, were captured.

These missing soldiers have been denied the basic human rights guaranteed by international law. They have been treated as hostages rather than as

prisoners of war and have been denied any form of contact with their families, or with any Israeli or international human rights organizations.
3) Why are these hostages different from all other hostages?

These sons are being held hostage years after international efforts have secured the release of all the other Western hostages who were held in Lebanon. In spite of Israel's aid in securing the release of the other Western hostages, the Israeli hostages were not included with the release of the others. The Arab governments refuse to divulge any information about the conditions under which they are being held. The pain and anxiety that their families and friends are undergoing is immeasurable.

They are being held prisoner and not allowed their freedom. Passover, the

Festival of freedom, reminds us that only those who remember enslavement can fully appreciate their freedom. Israel is still fighting for the release of their soldiers, and we must do all that we can in order to help. We must do all we can to implore our elected officials to fight for the return of these four sons. We earnestly request world leaders to seek the mortal core of humanity, to transcend political differences and in the name of the parents and families of the missing young soldiers, "FREE OUR SONS!"
RON ARAD

Born: May 5, 1958 Birthplace: Israel

Parents: Batya & Dov (Deceased) Wife: Tami

Child: Yuval (Daughter) Captured: October 16, 1986

Last Contact: October, 1987 Status: Prisoner of War

Last known to be held by Muslim Extremists

Born: November 17, 1960 Birthplace: United States

Parents: Miriam & Yona Captured: June 11, 1982

NO CONTACT Status: Missing In Action

Born: December 29, 1956 Birthplace: Israel

Parents: Penina & Avraham Captured: June 11, 1982

NO CONTACT Status: Missing In Action

Born: July 18, 1959 Birthplace: Israel

Parents: Sara & Joseph Captured: June 11, 1982

NO CONTACT Status: Missing In Action

It is a mitzvah for us, tonight, to relive a dramatic event - our emergence from slavery to freedom; our birth as a people. Tonight we are not the audience in this drama we are its actors. Tonight, we let our heart surprise our head, and we let our head inform our heart.

"Hineni muchan um'zuman...here am I ready and prepared

Feel yourself moving toward the Sea in that ocean of Israelites. Are you leading children by the hand? Or are you a child yourself, moving quickly to keep up with the big people. Wondering that there is no work to be done today. No bricks to be made, no taskmasters with whips.

(Modulate...move onto key if using instrument, or else humming could work) Your heartbeat quickens. The pace of everyone increases, surges.... soon you are running, flying..... eager to reach the opposite side.

Diane Cohen, Colonia NJ

It used to be, I was surrounded by small children, dogs and hamsters. There was help, someone to bring the dishes in from the garage, someone to help take them out again. I worked late into the night and I was tired, but the context was family and somehow I was all right.

Then I left, and everything changed overnight. I left the kids and the dogs and the hamsters and the support. And my mother left me. In one summer, my history disappeared.

Or so I thought.

So I'm standing here on my stepstool, going through the motions again. Except unlike the old days, in the house in the suburbs, I carry in and carry out by myself. There are fewer dishes, and fewer people to feed.

And unlike the old days in the suburbs, I have beautiful etched glass stemware and silver-plated tableware and ancient ceramic dishes that serve only four (and even then missing a tea cup) - all my mother's legacy. There's the little brown teapot with the hand-painted flowers. And the honey pot. And the strawberry jar.

And I realize that my history isn't gone at all.

So while I tape the paper over the hametzdik glasses and cups to hide them and wonder why I keep doing this, I reflect on the quiet pleasure I find each year when I unpack the glass compote set and the matching glasses - all the vestiges of my childhood when everything seemed, to me at least, so simple and so safe. These are all old friends. It's wonderful to greet them every year.

Passover isn't an event. It's a process. It's the unfolding of memories, the rediscovering of old friends.

The liberation of Passover, that happens over and over again each year, is the liberation from the bondage of the pain that is wrapped around each memory. How easy it would be to put the dishes and glasses and stemware away, never look, never be reminded of the sweet times I remember. The walnuts and hazelnuts floating in Manischewitz concord grape, not during the seder but watching TV two days later. The taste of my mother's sponge cake with Swee-Touch-Nee Tea. The gefilte fish and carrot slices, icy cold and freshly made the day before. And the warmth and security I took for granted.

I am free now to remember without too many tears. And the tears are from happiness as much as they are from sadness - for they are the tears of one blessed to have had those memories. I was lucky then and I am lucky now, to have the memories to unpack with my mother's things every Passover.

So I will continue to pack them away and unpack them again, and rediscover these old friends, friends I would take for granted if they were with me every day of the year. And I will be grateful for the tears I shed when I see them each spring, for the freedom to choose to bring them out again, for the freedom to choose my burdens, and for the freedom to love my burdens.