|Aladdinadress Under the Sea
The coolly convincing Colin Ross
Ariel (The Mer-Princess without a stain on her character)
Dr Wendy Peters
Mary, Mary, not at all Contrary
Policewoman Inspector (Eva) Biggun
watch out for the LAGLO Guest
Scene 1 – on the beach
Lighting Setting 1.
Enter [SL] Widow and Daz carrying baskets of laundry to table [CS]
Widow Work, work, work! Oh Daz, these piles of washing never get any smaller! This job is going to last as long as the road works on the Millbrook bypass, (or wherever they are at the time)
Daz We mustn’t grumble, Widow Wanky, this washing has come up really well – with that bluey whiteness I really like.
Widow She’s not called Daz for nothing! We work our fingers to the bone and life never gets any easier.
Daz At least it passes the time! And we do have a nice view to look at while we work.
Widow A view? A view? The sunset, the Docks with The Isle of wight in the distance? You’re right as usual – we are lucky. How do you stay cheerful all the time?
Daz Oh you know, I count my blessings.
Widow Blessings? Blessings? You live in a shack on Thornhill. You work 12 hours a day. Your boyfriend Zak is a useless pearl fisher who hangs around with my useless son Aladdin. Which blessings do you count?
Daz Oh – I love the long evenings with Aladdin, Zak and I eating oysters they have caught. The smell of the barbeque and the knowledge that Zak loves me is all I need to be happy.
Widow Happy? You’re lucky. I need a lot more than that to make me happy. I like my men strong and rich.
Daz Is that what your husband was like? A real hero?
Widow Who? Old wanky? No. He was just like Aladdin: full of dreams, and romance, but no common sense! He just sits thinking about stupid things- like do fish get thirsty? Or he wonders whether if you tie buttered toast to the back of a cat and drop from a height, what would happen?
Daz Hmm. I’ll have to think about that one. It’s a good question.
Widow Maybe. But it’s completely useless. No the man of my dreams is different - he would shower me in wealth and pearls – Oh I don’t mean those little squiggly pearls Aladdin and Zak find, I mean large, smooth, round, shining pearls with golden highlights which glimmer in the light.
Daz It’s true that the pearls Zak and Al find are not that valuable. Maybe one day one of them will find something really special. But your brother Abanazer gives them a fair price…
Widow A fair price? I don’t know about that – he’s always been a bit of a crook- every time they are about to make ends meet, he moves the ends. But he has the connections in town so there’s nothing we can do. Aladdin hasn’t exactly got a designer suit to wear for doing business deals in the city!
Saying that, I don’t trust Abanazer further than I can throw him and I like to know if he’s around.
(To audience) Would you please help us by hissing whenever you see him coming? Can we practice that? (repeat until audience reaction is good – maybe 3 times)
Daz Well, I can’t see life around here changing much in the near future.
Widow Changing? No we’ll keep on working and dreaming, the boys will keep on diving to find wee tiny pearls, and Abenazer will keep on giving them even less money than they deserve. Here comes the old rogue now. Abenazer, my dear brother, how are you? (encourages the audience to hiss)
Abenazer (enters [SR]) Always busy sister, doing my best for you and Aladdin. I’m meeting him here actually. Will you be waiting?
Widow Waiting? Do you think we have time to stand around here gossiping all day. We have work to do!
Daz Come on; let’s get started on the ironing.
Widow I hate ironing!
(Daz & Widow go off grumbling taking table with them [SL] - Abenazer checks the messages on his mobile- Aladdin and Zak enter [SL])
Aladdin What did you find today, Zak?
Zak Oh – the usual. A few tiny ones. They’re pretty, but I don’t think they’ll make us millionaires. We need Chris Tarrant for that . Hello Abenazer.
Abenazer Ah, my boys, what have you got for me?
Aladdin Well, let’s put it this way, we still haven’t found the cave of wonders Uncle!
Zak The Cave of Wonders, that sounds good. What are you talking about?
Aladdin Oh it’s just a fairy tale Uncle Abenazer used to tell me when I was a kid.
Abenazer No fairy tale Aladdin. Just because no-one has seen it in thousands of years doesn’t mean it isn’t there, a bit like a happy Eastenders plot.
Zak But what is it? Where is it?
Abenazer Deep in the ocean, far out of reach of ordinary folk, there is a cave. A cave so full of treasure and magic that the one who finds it will be rich and happy forever! Legend has it that the fisherman who dives for the cave of wonders must hold his breath for as long as it takes the mermaid to finish her song.
Zak Oh right – I see – a fairy tale.
Abenazer You boys could be rich – you could be millionaires and you could change the fate of the whole community, if only you would try a bit harder, diving a bit deeper – finding the cave of wonders.
Zak Aladdin, your uncle is creeping me out.
Aladdin I know – he gets like this sometimes. Just humour him.
Abenazer Oh go on boys, mock me if you will. I know you’ll never find the cave of wonders, but I also know it is down there somewhere: untold wealth and power… Anyway, 10p per pearl, that’s £1.40 for you Zak and 80p for Aladdin.
Aladdin Thanks, I suppose, but are you sure that’s all they’re worth, they are pretty!
Abenazer (angrily) are calling me a liar? I’m your uncle, your own flesh and blood, and you think I might cheat you? You no good, lazy little toe rag- you’re just like my lawn mower, you are hard to get started, you emit foul odours, and half the time you don’t work…
Aladdin Alright, alright, 10p each it is. I just don’t see how I’m supposed to survive on so little.
Zak Yeah, maybe we should think about a career change.
Abenazer But then you might not find the cave of wonders!
Zak and Aladdin wander off [SL] saying sarcastically:
Aladdin Oh yeah Zak, we must keep hunting for the cave of wonders!
Zak Untold wealth and power!
Aladdin I’ll never rest till I find it!
After they have left, Abenazer dials a number on his mobile
Abenazer Hello, ah yes, Gerald. I have 11 seed pearls. Please contact the bank – yes they’re in good condition. Try to get £5 for each one, don’t go below £3.50. Thanks, I’ll be back in the office in the morning (evil cackle as Abenazer exits [SR])
Scene 2 – On the beach
Widow (entering [SL]) Aladdin, Aladdin!
Zak and Daz enter together [SL] after Widow
Daz Morning Widow Twanky.
Widow Good morning Daz. It looks like a lovely day!
Zak Yeah, a perfect day for a dip in the sea.
Widow A dip in the sea? Tell that to Aladdin, he won’t get out of bed. Aladdin!
Enter Aladdin [SL], rubbing his eyes
Aladdin Alright mother I’m up! Hiya Zak, morning Daz.
Widow About time and you haven’t had a proper breakfast. I hope you have brushed your teeth, breath test…(She bends forward expecting Aladdin to breathe on her)
Aladdin Mum? I brushed my teeth OK? You’re embarrassing me!
Widow (fondly) Oh, you silly boy, off you go then – have you got your sandwiches?
Aladdin Yes Mum, thanks Mum! (Aladdin and Zak go off [SR])
Daz You’ve got to let him grow up you know. He’s not a kid any more.
Widow Not a kid? He’s my baby! I have no-one else – I couldn’t bear to loose him.
Daz Well sooner or later he’s going to meet a girl.
Widow A girl? Huh, what does he need a girl for when his Mummy can look after him.
Daz Oh come on Widow Twanky, you know I’m right.
Widow I know nothing of the sort; he’s dependent on me financially AND emotionally and I can’t see either of those things changing for a long time. He only brought 80p home last night after a whole day’s diving. He needs his dear Mother to put food on his plate!
Daz Oh well, we’ll see.
Widow Come on, we have to get started with this laundry, the dryer’s packed up again! I suppose I’ll have to get onto Comet.
Widow and Daz exit SL
Scene 3 - On the beach
Aladdin and Zak enter [SR] and get ready to dive, putting on goggles/mask and flippers.
Zak (laughing) So we have to hold our breaths for as long as a mermaid’s song huh?
Aladdin Of course, everybody knows how long that is.
Zak Well, how long, smarty pants?
Aladdin Oh you know – how long is a piece if string?
Zak (dreamily) Untold wealth and power.
Aladdin It would be nice. I could move out of my mother’s place.
Zak You? Move out? It would kill her!
Aladdin I know, but at 38 I should be getting a bit more independent. She needs to find herself someone else to mollycoddle.
Zak You mean another husband? At her age?
Aladdin It’s not so impossible – is it? Match.com are getting pretty desperate, have you seen their ads on TV? It’s my only hope! Oh if only I were rich.
Zak Well it is a beautiful day, so let’s go.
Aladdin We’ll have a contest. Who can stay under the longest?
Zak You mean who can dive for as long as it takes for the mermaid to finish her song? As they say, it ain’t over ‘till the fishy lady sings.
Aladdin That’s right, ready steady go.
Zak Wait, remember to look out for something on the bottom that twitches.
Aladdin Why? What will that be?
Zak A nervous wreck, ha, ha, ha. Get it- a nervous wreck.
Aladdin Oh shut up, let’s go…
They dive into the audience, via [SL] exit, Aladdin first, then Zak - Zak goes to the audience [SL] and finds oysters under seats and around the front of the hall. Aladdin swims right [SR] round the hall. Zak goes back up to the shore [STAGE] and releases his breath. He smiles and looks out for Aladdin returning. Aladdin is still swimming and he reaches the entrance to the cave. He picks up an oyster and heads back up the short way. When he lands on the beach he collapses to his knees.
Zak Al, Al, Are you OK?
Zak stoops to help Aladdin. Aladdin gasps for breath and coughs.
Aladdin Zak, I-I’m OK I think.
Zak Alright, you won by miles. But that was too long – you’ll drown if you do that again.
Aladdin I know mate I’m sorry. Just competitive I guess, plus, I’m in training for the 2012 Olympics.
Zak Well you might have won the breathing contest but who found the most pearls? I got 3, look.
Zak holds out 3 tiny pearls. Aladdin opens his oyster and out falls an enormous round pearl. They both gasp…
Aladdin I don’t believe it!
Zak It’s magnificent!
Aladdin (Stage whisper) I found the cave of wonders!
Enter Abenazer [SR] – the audience should hiss. If they don’t, Aladdin needs to remind them – “did someone hiss?” or “Come on, it’s a Pantomime – where’s the hissing when its needed?” etc… Abenazer sneaks up behind the boys, who haven’t noticed him.
Zak You think it’s that valuable – it’s only one pearl.
Aladdin No, but yes, but… you don’t understand Zak, it was at the mouth of a cave, but I couldn’t explore because I ran out of breath.
Zak Aladdin, you can’t go back down there. It’s too far! It’s not worth it buddy! It’s no good being rich, if you’re dead!
Abenazer Oh Zak – (snatches the pearl from Zak’s fingers) don’t be so melodramatic. Of course Aladdin wants to explore the cave, don’t you Aladdin. Unless of course Zak wants to put you off, so he can go and get all the treasure for himself.
Aladdin I found the cave Zak, I’ll do the exploring – I can’t believe you would try to trick me like that.
Zak But Aladdin, I would never do that! Have you forgotten that I almost had to give you the kiss of life not 2 minutes ago?
Aladdin Its true uncle, it’s too deep. I’m just not up to it. Sorry uncle. But what about that one? How much can you get for it?
Abenazer Well let me see. It is quite large, but cloudy and not perfectly round – I reckon I could maybe get, if I use my connections and well, perhaps I could push it up to… a fiver.
Aladdin Five pounds! Is that all?
Abenazer What do you mean is that all? … I travel down here every day and leave my other business on hold, just because you are family? You are a greedy boy Aladdin! Is that all? You deserve a clip round the ear! I’ll discuss this with your mother!
Aladdin (exasperated) I’m sorry uncle, OK? Just leave me alone!
Abenazer storms off [SR]
Aladdin What a break, I nearly died and all I get is £5!
Zak So? Do I get an apology?
Aladdin What? …Oh man – I’m so sorry. Uncle just gets me all mixed up. Of course I trust you. You don’t even know where I went. Do you?
Zak No! I can’t hold my breath as long as you and I don’t know where it is – this cave of wonders as you call it. I don’t even believe it exists! You got lucky and found a big pearl, why don’t you just celebrate that – you’ve never earned £5 in a day in your whole life – I can’t believe the way your acting!
Aladdin You as well – why is everyone angry with me today? ? What is this, the Jerry Springer show? I’m going home! (Aladdin storms off [SL])
Zak I don’t know – untold wealth and power. Daz and I are happy with our little house and this beautiful life.
Enter Daz [SL]
Daz Zak, Zak, what’s going on? Why is everyone so angry?
Zak Oh Daz, I don’t know. I just thank my lucky stars I’ve got you.
Daz Well, actually, I’ve got you a present.
Zak For me?
Daz It’s a mobile phone, so we can text each other whenever we like.
Zak Cool, it’s even got a video – I can record you telling me you love me and play it back every hour.
Daz Oh Zak. I do love you!
Daz & Zak exit [SL] then Lighting [BO]
Scene 4 – Under the sea
Lighting setting 2, then enter Ariel and Minnow from different sides … meet on rock.
Minnow Hi Ariel, how’s fins?
Ariel Not good, my parents have lost the plot….. They have fished up some Octopus Prince they want me to marry
Minnow That’s awful, but I guess you haven’t got a leg to stand on since you have turned down every other suitor you have had for the last few years.
Ariel But Mummy always told me that I should marry for love!
Minnow Yes, but they have been waiting all this time and you don’t fall in love! And let’s face it your fast reaching your sell by date. The mer-law says that a Princess must marry before she reaches 57 years. You have met every Prince under the sea and rejected them one at a time!
Ariel That’s exactly the problem – under-the-sea – I want to live on land! And all the men I meet are hopeless. You know what I call a man with half a brain? … Gifted
Minnow Ariel, I’m your best friend. You don’t want to leave us all behind do you? Think of all the fun we’ve had down here: dancing through the anemones, hiding in the coral. On land you can only walk or run, down here you can swim in any direction.
Ariel Oh Minnow, we do have fun and It is beautiful under here, but that’s exactly it.
Minnow What is it?
Ariel “Under” – I don’t want to be under any more, I want to be over the sea, over the world, over the rainbow! I want to go to the top, not the bottom. Can you understand?
Minnow Ariel honey the problem is, you dream and dream, but you’ll never meet a human. They can’t breathe down here and you can’t walk up there. You’d best go with octopus.
Ariel But I just need a little more time. Anyway you’re not married yet
Minnow Maybe not, but I’m ready to give it a go. There were some smart looking salmon at The Edge on Friday night.
Ariel Those geeks – oh Minnow, you can do better than that. There are two reasons why those guys don’t mind their own business. No mind and no business.
Minnow Hey don’t put me down Ariel, just coz I live in the real world!
Ariel Well its looks as though I have a week before they send for Prince Octopus! I can’t go with him. I’d be miserable for ever. I will find love this week, I know I will.
Minnow But the problem still remains – how will you meet a human?
Ariel Well actually, I have found a secret place.
Minnow Minstead Village Hall ?
Ariel No silly, a cave, where there is air and a beach, so he’ll be able to breathe.
Minnow But how will he get there?
Ariel Oh, I’m luring him in with oysters.
Minnow You’d better not use all the best oysters.
Both Ariel & Minnow get up and move towards exit [SR] during next lines
Ariel Don’t worry, I’m just using the ones with big pips. He is very strong. None of the others can swim anywhere near as far as my cave.
Minnow It is good to have a strong gene pool, but what about wealth? You have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle honey
Ariel I’m sure there’s no problem. He is so strong and handsome and his legs wiggle so beautifully. Oh Minnow, what do you think they look like when they…walk?
Minnow Just say you do meet and perhaps even fall in love. You can’t walk and he can’t breathe under water, no matter how strong he is. Where will you live? What will your children be like? I read in a magazine the other day: mixed marriages can be very difficult!
Both Ariel & Minnow exit [SR] then Lighting [BO]
Scene 5 – On the beach
Widow Now tell me again Abenazer, great wealth? And Aladdin knows where to find it?
Abenazer That’s right sister, he has found the Cave of Wonders and now he refuses to go back. He refuses to dive once more to save his poor mother from endless poverty and hardship!
Widow He’d better not refuse if he knows what’s good for him! (She shouts) Aladdin? Aladdin?
Aladdin enters [SL]
Aladdin What is it mother? I am resting because I nearly drowned this morning.
Widow Resting? You’ll have plenty of time for resting when we are stinking rich. Get down to that cave at once and bring us back the dosh.
Aladdin But mother, you don’t understand, it’s too deep! I may not survive another dive at that depth. Anyway, I only found one pearl, I don’t believe in some corny Cave of Wonders fairy tale.
Abenazer Aladdin is the strongest swimmer for miles. He and only he can dive for as long as takes for the mermaid to finish her song. (let’s just hope it’s not the full version of American Pie, that goes on for ages)
Widow The mermaid? What are you on about?
Aladdin See Mum, he’s as mad as a box of frogs, he keeps talking about mermaids and caves. I’m a pearl fisher and I found a pearl – big deal. OK so it was a large round one instead of a tiny squiggly one, but so what?
Abenazer (Dreamily) The Cave of Wonders is filled with untold wealth and power!
Widow Oh Aladdin, I know he’s a crackpot, but he’s family. Just try one more time…for Mummy?
Aladdin You’re asking me to risk my life. I’d rather kiss Anne Widdecome, at least I’d come up for air sooner!
Widow I know, but what kind of life is it? No money, no future, no girl. Stuck at home with your mother at your age.
Aladdin (Sarcastically) Thanks Mum, you really know how to cheer me up!
Alright, I’ll go one more time, on one condition. If I find nothing I’m leaving Totton for ever! (and from what I’ve seen, I’m not leaving much!)
Widow For ever? Oh my son. You are so brave. I didn’t realise how melodramatic you are. You get that from me!
Zak What’s going on?
Widow Aladdin is going for my untold wealth and power. Isn’t he a good boy to take such good care of his mother.
Aladdin Goodbye Mother, goodbye Uncle, goodbye Zak. (dives and swims behind the curtain)
Zak No Aladdin. Stop! It’s too deep! He’ll never make it alive! Couldn’t you stop him?
Widow Stop him? I’m so proud of him, why would I stop him?
Zak Because you’ll probably never see him again!
Widow Yes he says he’s moving out – but it won’t be all bad because (she starts to talk as if in a trance) he’ll bring back untold wealth and power from the cave of wonders- and I can rent his room out while he’s gone.
Exit [SL] Widow and Abenazer
Daz Oh Zak, do you think Aladdin will be alright?
Zak I don’t know my love, but I hope so. Do you think he’ll find anything?
Daz I don’t know. Untold wealth and power, somebody’s left over fish n’ chips
Zak Yeah, if we had all that money, we wouldn’t need to live in a shack on Thornhill
Daz But I like the shack on Thornhill.
Zak You wouldn’t need to work long hours at the laundry.
Daz I don’t really mind the work. I just like to be with you in the evenings watch the sun set over the docks.
Zak I think untold wealth and power are over-rated. After all, even with all that money, Aladdin won’t have what we’ve got.
Daz What? Poverty?
Daz and Zak exit [SL] then Lighting [BO]
Scene 6 – In the cave
Lighting setting 2 then Aladdin enters the cave carrying oysters - Ariel and Minnow are hiding behind a rock. Aladdin is exhausted and falls to his knees, gasping for breath & coughing.
Ariel (aside) I got him! He’s actually fallen for the trap. I can’t believe it. Look at those legs – they’re magnificent!
Minnow Magnificent? I think they look weird! Which reminds me, I must get my table legs treated for woodworm.
Aladdin (Coughing .. Cough, cough.) I can breathe… it’s a cave! I don’t understand – where could the oxygen come from so deep under water?
Aladdin gets up and explores, but doesn’t find Ariel who stays behind her rock.
Ariel He’s walking. Look at him go – I’ve never seen legs so close up before. I should introduce myself, but I’m too frightened.
Minnow Are you sure this is such a good idea Ariel?
Aladdin (looking up at the back of the stage) Here’s the answer! There’s a tiny blow hole that must reach all the way to the open air. There’s no way a man could squeeze through. What an amazing find?
Minnow If he saw you he’d scream. He’d think you are a freak. Perhaps he’d hurt you – say you’re a monster, or even worse, Jade Goody!
Ariel I’m afraid you’re right. At the least he’d say I am disgusting – after all, maids on the land have beautiful legs, not like this horrible slimy tail.
Aladdin What’s this? A pile of pebbles? How could that get there? (picks one up) No…it can’t be. A pile of pearls! Perfect round gleaming pearls! The cave of wonders! Uncle I found it! I can’t believe it! I found the cave of wonders! (He dances round and stands on the lamp, half buried in the sand.) Ow, what’s this? (examines lamp)
Minnow He has found a pile of pips and he’s so excited. This guy is a bit mad I think, perhaps he’s got the bends.
Ariel Or he’s been on the Pearlsberg Special Brew . We might as well go. So much for my great romance with a land lubber. I guess I’ll go and marry that octopus after all. I feel so disappointed. (Ariel & Minnow slide off stage [SR] without being noticed)
Aladdin I think there’s some writing on it…(mumbles) best before end of Jan 2009
Aladdin rubs the lamp [FX Star/Smoke Gerb [SL] - Genie steps into FX smoke [SL] upon ignition]
Genie (Austin Powers Style) Wow man! I really know how to make an entrance! So, what’s it to be Baby? What are we going down to? Where’s the action? Are you OK man?
Aladdin Er, who are you?
Genie (Sings) Gene Genie, caught in a trap! I’m a genie in a bottle baby! Your wish, oh master, is my command. And what about you baby, do you have a name, a label, a calling card? an e-mail address?
Aladdin Um, my name is Aladdin, but where did you come from? I don’t understand!
Genie Haven’t you ever read any fairy tales cat? I’m a genie! I grant wishes! If you rub my lamp I become your slave and grant you three wishes. It’s not a new concept – I’ve been around for years, although I know you can’t tell, coz I’ve got this anti-aging cream which works …wonders!
Genie Yeah! Get it? It works wonders in the cave of wonders! I still got it baby – you bet!
Aladdin The Cave of Wonders? This is really called the Cave of Wonders?
Genie You didn’t know? Where did you think it was? Totton Disco? Wow time must have really zoomed! At one time everyone knew about me and I was so busy – never a moment’s peace. Anyway, you’re the first to find me for years, so I guess you know the mermaids. Aren’t they something special?
Aladdin Mermaids don’t exist!
Genie Oh right, yeah and neither do genies so I guess you’re going to have to rethink your karma man, because here I am! Larger than life and ready to rock!
Aladdin So you’re saying you can grant me 3 wishes.
Genie He’s slow, but he’s getting there.
Aladdin So what should I wish for?
Aladdin It’s hard to think down here in the cave, could I sleep on it?
Genie Of course, first things first, let’s go up to Al’s place.
Aladdin Well, now that you mention it that could be a problem. I barely made it down here and I still feel tired, I don’t know if I can hold my breath that long.
Genie Well, you have two wish options: either
You wish us back to the beach and we go directly never to return to this God forsaken cave,
Or, if for some reason you want to get back here, you could wish to breathe under water and he’ll do the necessary adaptation to your lungs pronto.
What’s it to be?
Aladdin looks at the pearl in his hand and at the pile on the ground.
Aladdin Yes, I must come back. I can’t take all these pearls with me this time and to be able to breathe under water would be a serious advantage in my line of work so: I wish I could breathe under water.
Genie Right, that’s done. Let’s go swimming!
Aladdin You mean – I can breathe! Under water!
Genie That’s right slow coach – now come on. I don’t want to stay here another minute! This sort of thing ain’t my bag, baby.
Genie & Aladdin exit [SL]
Scene 7 – Under the sea
Ariel & Minnow enter from [SR]
Ariel So you see, I realised I could never marry a human.
Minnow It’s for the best Ariel.
Ariel But it’s going to be hard to put him out of my mind.
Minnow Oh Ariel, just forget him!
Ariel You’re right! He’s already caused me more trouble than he’s worth! I suppose I’m lucky to have a suitor and I’m ready to marry the …octopus.
Ariel and Minnow exit [SR] and Lighting [BO]
Scene 8 – On the beach
Widow, Daz, Zak, Abenazer enter in [BlackOut] Waiting for Aladdin - Lighting setting 1
Widow (wailing) Oh, oh, oh!
You were right and now he’s dead and it’s all my fault.
Zak No, he did this all by himself.
Daz Such a tragedy. He had so much to give
Widow So much to give? I can’t bear it. My dear son gave his life for me.
Abenazer (pacing) Don’t be silly, he’s found the cave! I know he’s found the cave!
Aladdin emerges [BS], holding the lamp.
Aladdin Hiya folks.
They jump in surprise. The widow hugs him.
Widow Oh Aladdin, I thought you were dead.
Aladdin No I’m fine actually. Never better.
Abenazer Did you find the cave of wonders?
Zak You’re not even out of breath.
Daz Where have you been – didn’t you know we were waiting?
Widow I’ve been so worried.
Aladdin Er, yeah, sorry.
Daz We’ve been planning your funeral.
Zak I think we’re entitled to an explanation Aladdin. What’s going on?
Abenazer You found the cave, didn’t you?
Widow Where have you been?
Aladdin OK. I found the cave. There’s air inside but, …but nothing else. I looked around for a while and coming back was easy. That’s it!
Widow That’s it?
Daz What have you got there?
Aladdin Oh this, just an old lamp. That’s all I found, just a battered up old lamp.
Abenazer snatches the lamp, looks at it and then throws it down [FS] angrily.
Abenazer I don’t believe it! An old lamp and nothing else! I’ve waited so long – for nothing! I don’t believe it!!! Are you sure?
Aladdin Honest Uncle (He crosses his fingers behind his back) – there was no treasure, no power, no wealth! Sorry Uncle, maybe it’s the wrong cave.
Abenazer You wouldn’t trick me boy? (he grabs Aladdin by the ear)
Widow Let him go Abenazer, you big bully. Aladdin’s had a long day, come on son, a big bowl of soup for you!
Aladdin picks up the lamp as he exits [SL] saying ….
Aladdin I think I’ll keep this - as a souvenir.
Scene 9 – On the beach – at night
Lighting Setting 3 (night) Abenazer and Gerald enter [SR] are hiding outside Aladdin’s house.
Abenazer Right Gerald. It’s midnight and that’s the house and this is a stake out.
Gerald But why Sir, that’s your sister’s place isn’t that a bit…pervy?
Abenazer Yes, yes, but it’s that rascal Aladdin – he’s been to the cave and I think he’s trying to swindle me out of untold wealth and power.
Gerald Of course, you’ve been swindling him for years.
Abenazer Oh shut up! He knows no different and it wouldn’t be good for him to have money – he’d get all greedy and selfish.
Gerald Like you, and Gordon Brown?
Abenazer OK – yes. I’ve sacrificed my character to save my nephew. He’s lucky – he’s an unspoilt fisherman with no guilty feelings. I’m racked with misery and resentment.
Gerald You cope remarkably well under the circumstances Sir.
Aladdin enters [SL] sneaks out of his house and comes forward to talk to the audience.
Aladdin Its midnight and I’m sneaking down to the cave to get some more of those pearls.
Abenazer (aside to audience) I knew it!
Aladdin I kept it secret because suddenly I didn’t trust my Uncle Abenazer. I don’t know what made me question him, but I’m going to find another way to sell these pearls. I’ll go to town myself if I have to, or put them on e-bay. Anyway, back to that cave.
Aladdin dives and enters the cave entrance[BS] behind curtain.
Abenazer Drat and double drat! I knew he’d figured me out. Gerald, you stay here and catch him when he returns. Whatever you do, don’t let him go! I’m going to talk to my dearest sister.
Abenazer enters Aladdin’s house by exiting [SL] – Lighting [BO]
Scene 10 – in the cave
Lighting Setting 2. Ariel is sitting and singing sadly to herself. Her back is turned to the cave entrance so she doesn’t see when Aladdin enters. Aladdin sees her and sits down to listen while she finishes her song.
Aladdin (gently) So now I know how long it takes for the mermaid to finish her song, and she doesn’t even use a tuna (tuner).
Ariel Oh? Who is it? Aladdin? But…
Aladdin Don’t be afraid, but how do you know my name?
Ariel Oh I’m so ashamed. I’ve been so foolish! (she breaks down in tears)
Aladdin approaches and holds her hand.
Aladdin It’s OK. It’s going to be OK. I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Ariel cries even more.
Aladdin I guess you do mind. Sorry.
Ariel suddenly falls forward and sobs on his shoulder. He uncertainly puts his arms around her.
Aladdin I never believed in love at first sight before, but now I think about it, it does save a lot of time. Now that I’ve held you in my arms I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let go.
Ariel Oh Aladdin – I’ve ruined everything! Everything!
Aladdin I don’t know what you’re talking about. How do you know me? What have you ruined? Who are you?
Ariel I have loved you for months. I’m Ariel the mer-king’s daughter. I’ve watched you swimming and even lured you in here with oysters. But then I thought you would hate me and now I have to marry the octopus!
Aladdin You watched me? You lured me? You love me? Oh wow! I can’t believe it! I thought no-one ever looked at me and here’s this beautiful …mermaid, and she loves me! Oh wow!
Ariel But Aladdin, we could never be together. I can’t walk and you can’t breathe under water. Where would we live? What would our children be like? Mother was right. I should marry the octopus.
Aladdin You want to marry me? Oh wow!
Ariel Will you stop saying that?
Aladdin Well for one thing, I can breathe under water and if you want legs I know where you can get them. But do you really want to marry me? I’m just a poor fisherman.
Ariel A poor fisherman? Oh no. That’s the final straw. I’m a princess. My father will not let me marry anyone who is not wealthy and powerful. I’d better just leave now.
Aladdin I only came back for these… wait! These pearls! Stop Princess – I will be rich – look I’ve got all these pearls!
Ariel Those? Those are just pips.
Aladdin They may be pips to you my dear, but they are valuable jewels where I come from. There are quite a few here and if I bypass Abenazer, I could get a good price. Let me see…
Ariel Those pips are valuable to you? But I can get you as many as you like. To the mer-people they are oyster pips and we just spit them out. How many do you want?
Aladdin Princess, if you really want to marry me and you can give me unlimited pearls then I’ll be a wealthy man and build you a palace out in the air.
Ariel On the top?
Aladdin On the top of a mountain, on the top of the world, if you like.
Ariel Oh Aladdin, to live on the top would make all my dreams come true.
Aladdin Great, I’ll buy you a bunk bed. But surely there are some things you would miss?
Ariel Oh I suppose so – the red coral and the sea horses jokes.
Aladdin Sea horses tell jokes?
Ariel Of course, they’re famous for it: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Aladdin I don’t know.
Ariel A fshshshsh!
Aladdin Oh that’s terrible. I’ve got one: How does a blonde kill a fish?
Ariel I don’t know?
Aladdin She drowns it!
Ariel What about this one: What did the sea horse say when he swam into a wall?
Aladdin Go on:
Ariel He said “dam”!
Aladdin It’s the way she tells them! One more, can you name 3 types of fish that begin with an H?
Ariel Haddock, Herring and er, I can’t think, um, Oh I know, Hedge End.
Aladdin Hedge End isn’t a fish!
Ariel Yes it is, it’s a plaice! Get it? A plaice!!!
Aladdin I didn’t know it would so much fun under the sea. If you want to, we could live down here.
Ariel But then you would be the fish out of water, if you see what I mean. You would have to leave your home.
Aladdin Oh sure I’d miss some things. The mountains, the rivers, the animals…
Ariel But what will I do about the Octopus?
Aladdin We could break his legs … no, that would take ages. Oh Ariel, you can’t marry an octopus – they’re nasty slimy things, like taxmen, and Estate agents. Talk to your parents – I’ll come and meet them if you like.
Ariel How come you can breathe under water anyway?
Aladdin I have a little secret. I suppose I should tell you. I found a genie.
Ariel Genies are no good Aladdin, they just cause mischief!
Aladdin But he’s given me three wishes. I’ve only used one. Perhaps the second one could to allow you to have legs when you’re on land and a tail when you’re in the water.
Ariel Could he do that?
Aladdin It’s worth a try, here goes, I wish for Ariel’s tail to turn to legs on land.
FX - Ariel’s tail falls off revealing legs.
Ariel Oh? Oh ? I can’t believe it. Do you think I can walk? Where is this genie? I want to thank him.
Aladdin He’s in his lamp in my bedroom. He can’t get into mischief there.
Ariel exits [SR] Aladdin [SL] Lighting [BO]
Scene 11 – on the beach
Lighting Setting 1. The widow emerges from her house [SL] with the lamp.
Widow (yawn) How exhausting! I’ve just spent two hours at the beauty shop. And that was just for the estimate. Hmm I suppose I might as well clean this up for Aladdin. He’ll be so pleased.
Widow rubs the lamp [FX Star/Smoke Gerb SL - Genie steps into FX smoke SL upon ignition]
Genie Woohoo! Did you rub my lamp or did you rub my lamp?
Widow (smoothes down her apron and flutters her eyelashes) I- Well, I guess I rubbed your lamp. I’ll do it again if you like.
Genie It’s my lucky day – yeah baby! (He produces a bunch of flowers from up his sleeve) Flowers for a special lady.
Widow A special lady? Me? Oh thank you! Where did you …? Who?
Genie Am I PLEASED to see you, or have I got a lamp in my pocket?
Widow A lamp? Well, I say – I’ve been waiting for a man like you to come into my life!
Genie Oooh behave! I’ve been waiting for some one new to make me feel alive. You are the one that I want Honey! Ooh Ooh Ooh baby!
Widow I am the one that you want? I just have to turf out my son Aladdin. He’s 38 and still hanging on my apron strings.
Genie Aladdin? That cat? Well things are changing for Aladdin - just leave it to me. There’s only one problem – one thing that could still come between us.
Widow A problem? What could it be?
Genie I’m a genie, so every time someone rubs that lamp, I’m their slave until they’ve had their three wishes. Now, Honey Slurp, I’m as happy as a clam being your slave, lamp or no lamp, but others could come between us.
Widow Is there no way out?
Genie Not that I know of.
Widow Lets ask this audience – (to audience) does any body know how a genie could be freed? Has anyone seen that Disney film? Doesn’t that genie get free somehow? Aladdin has to wish him free? Yes that’s it.
Genie But he’s already had two wishes – he only has one left. How can we persuade him?
Widow Persuade him? I’ll think of something. But I quite like the idea of you being my slave.
Genie Oh baby, you’re so groovy! Don’t you worry, just say what you want, you can have as many slaves as you like.
Widow If I had unlimited wishes I’d get some better shops in West Quay. The ones we’ve got are so stupid. Every time a go into Marks and Spencer and ask for a zee-bra they look at me as if I’d gone mad.
Genie A zee-bra?
Widow Yes it isn’t so odd. Some people take a size A bra. I’m 25 sizes bigger and take a zee-bra. Here comes my brother Abenazer, would you like to meet him?
Enter Abenazer [SR]. Audience hiss.
Genie Any brother of yours is a brother of mine. Slip some skin Brother. (He holds out his hand to shake Abenazer’s, but Abenazer brushes past him)
Abenazer Twanky, I have some terrible news. Your son is a liar and a cheat!
Widow I didn’t realise he’d gone into politics
Genie Aladdin? Oh cool it man, Al’s OK.
Abenazer Excuse me, I don’t know who you are, but this is a family matter so if you don’t mind?
Genie I’ll zip up! But I don’t like your karma man, you’ll get indigestion storming about like that!
Widow What are you talking about Abenazer? I brought my son up to be honest and decent – not like you!
Abenazer Your son has been to the cave of wonders and found the treasure. He lied to us all and plans to keep all the money for himself and I can prove it!
Widow I don’t believe you. All he found was that miserable …oh the lamp. He didn’t even tell me. 3 wishes. You’re right, by gum, the little…
Genie Hey hold up Sugar Lump, I’m sure he had good reason.
Widow Good reason? He said he’d leave town – he was going to leave town with you.
Abenazer Who is this guy?
Genie (Interrupting Widow) Just wanky’s new lover boy – we don’t need to go into any more detail right now, do we Sunny Bottom?
Widow Detail? If you say so, my Macho Maradonna.
Enter Gerald with Aladdin [SL] with a sack over his head.
Gerald I got him – and his pockets are full of pearls. Enormous ones – worth…
Abenazer A fortune! As I suspected! Do you see Widow? He was going to cheat us all!
Gerald lifts off the sack.
Widow Aladdin, I can’t believe it. Abenazer is right – you’d have taken it all for yourself!
Aladdin No Mother, you don’t understand – please let me explain.
Abenazer I think we’ve heard enough from you – hand over the pearls. I’ll give the money direct to your mother this time!
Aladdin hands over the pearls reluctantly with a deep sigh.
Aladdin That’s it mother – I was going to get a decent price. Then we could be truly wealthy, and I was going to marry a Princess. I guess I’ll have to tell her the wedding’s off.
Widow A Princess? Now I know you’re lying. You’ve gone too far this time Aladdin!
Exit Widow [SL], Abenazer and Gerald [SR]
Aladdin I’m sure I’m right. Now everyone hates me again.
Enter SL Zak
Zak Hey Aladdin. Why the long face?
Aladdin It’s my Celine Dion impersonation, Oh Zak, I can’t be bothered explaining, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway.
Zak Fair enough, but is there anything I can do?
Aladdin I need to prove that my Uncle is a cheat. I need evidence. How can we be sure?
Zak We could spy on him. Set a trap, make him incriminate himself.
Aladdin Good thinking Zak, quick hide, they’re coming. Have you got your new mobile phone?
Zak Of course, just in case Daz needs anything.
Aladdin Well record this conversation. Just Like Rosie on Coronation Street
They hide USL. Enter [DSR] Abenazer and Gerald
Abenazer Oh good, they’ve all gone. Now to find out just how rich we really are. Have you got your calculator with you?
Gerald You know I never go anywhere without it.
Abenazer How much did you get for that pearl yesterday?
Gerald I took it to Bond Street and they said they’d go up to £1000.
Abenazer A grand for one. Right, there are 20 pearls here, so I give my sister £100 and sell them for £20,000. Leaving me a profit of…
Gerald £19,900 Sir. Not a bad day’s work, if you ask me.
Abenazer We might even get more if we auction the whole collection together. We’re rich men Gerald! We’ve really made it this time.
Abenazer and Gerald exit SR.
Aladdin I knew it, the old crook! Did you get it?
Zak Every word!
Aladdin Mother! Mother! Wait till you see this.
Widow enters SL from her house.
Widow Aladdin I have a headache, I’ve had just about enough for one day!
Zak Really Widow Twanky, you should see this. Look!
She looks at the phone and makes a series of shocked expressions.
Widow The old swindler! I’ll sort him out! I’m so sorry my dear son, I should never have doubted you.
Aladdin But he’s got all the pearls and I really do have a Princess to marry. How can we stop him? And without him, how can we sell the pearls? I don’t exactly have a designer suit to go doing business deals in town.
Widow I think we need to call the Police. Give me that phone. (She dials) Hello is that the Police, it’s Widow Twanky. it’s Abenazer ….. – yes he’s swindled us out of £20,000 and we need you to catch him. Yes, he’ll on his way to town right now with 20 pearls which belong to our Aladdin. Right, we’ll see you tomorrow then,
Aladdin Mum I’m going to get married tomorrow
Widow So am I! You rascal, I rubbed that lamp and the man of dreams popped out. So tomorrow we’ll all get married and you can move out.
Aladdin Oh mother that’s wonderful – but what can I give you as a wedding present.
Widow Just one thing Aladdin. You can wish my husband free!
Aladdin Oh yes Mum, it’s a deal! I’ll do it right now: for my final wish, I wish the genie were free and never had to grant wishes again.
The genie appears at back of audience to music and is escorted by the dancing girl to the stage (via stairs [SL]). The Dancing Girl throws sweets at the audience. When the Genie gets to the stage he drops the widow over his arm in a passionate kiss and swings Aladdin round in his arms.
Dancing Girl Three cheers for Aladdin – hip hip hooray, etc
Everyone joins in (cast encourage audience to join in). Lighting [BO]
Scene 12 – On the road to town
Lighting Setting 4 [FOS] Abenazer and Gerald are walking across in front of the stage, being followed by a furtive policewoman.
Abenazer I’m so excited. We’ll never need to come back to this poxy little village of Totton, you know Gerald.
The audience boos – may need to be encouraged/reminded by Gerald.
Gerald I could really do with a new Armani suit.
Abenazer Our lives have changed and that’s for sure.
The policewoman approaches and grabs Abenazer from behind.
Policewoman I arrest you in the name of the law.
Abenazer The law? Don’t tell me?
Policewoman The Chief constable has ordered your arrest.
Oh Abenazer! Stealing from your own family.
Abenazer Listen, I was doing them a favour. Ask Gerald!
Gerald Keep me out of it – (exits [SR])
Policewoman Come along Sir, we’ve got to get you back to Southampton before morning (Both exit [SL] upstairs to wings)
Scene 13 –On the Beach
Lighting Setting 1. Daz and Zak are hanging up a decoration.
Daz So, who is Aladdin marrying?
Zak A mermaid Princess he says. Apparently he used magic to turn her tail into legs and she’s going to come and live here.
Daz So that’s why he’s planning on building the palace outside the village.
Zak He’ll be very generous with his wealth. But there’s one thing that I wanted to buy you myself. (Zak gets down on one knee) Will you marry me Daz?
Daz Oh Zak, you know I will.
Enter [SL] Widow and Genie
Widow Ah Daz, do I look alright?
Daz You look lovely Widow Twanky. And the ceremony is about to start.
Genie The ceremony? Oh man I can’t believe it. . I’m soooo excited
Zak Widow Twanky I wonder if we might muscle in and make it three weddings in one day?
Widow Three weddings? Oh Daz! Oh Zak, of course! And about time too!
Genie Glad to hear it Darlings. You two have been holding out too long. Its time you got it together, eh baby?
Enter Policewoman, dragging Abenazer in hand cuffs.
Widow My brother – isn’t it perfect? The whole family together for the weddings.
Policewoman I’m just happy to see justice done.
Widow Where is my young son, Aladdin?
Enter [SL] Aladdin
Aladdin Hello everyone isn’t it a beautiful morning!
Policewoman Aladdin I have something to give you – here £20,000.(she hands over a wadge of notes)
Aladdin Thank you .You have been very kind.
Policewoman I am very proud to serve someone marrying into a royal family!
Aladdin They’re coming I can hear them.
[FX] The wedding march begins … fading low
Everyone on stage, followed by Ariel; she shows Aladdin her legs.
Widow It’s so good to meet you at last. And we can’t wait to get to know you Ariel.
Ariel Look Aladdin, look at my legs.
Aladdin You look wonderful my Princess.
Genie Oh baby, you can’t argue – he has done well for himself!
Ariel Oh its wonderful, I can feel the wind in my hair! I can hear the birds singing! And just think of all those shoe shops!!
Zak (stepping forward and reading from scroll) Happy endings all around
Love is something we’ve all found.
Aladdin was given wishes three
He didn’t waste them, no sir-ee.
First he wished to breathe under water
To stop his life from getting shorter.
The second was for Ariel’s tail
To change to legs without fail,
So she can walk and dance and play
And with him on land she can stay.
And that left one, a wedding gift
His genie wanted no more shifts;
He wished the genie could be free
Aladdin’s father-in–law to be.
Abenazer will soon be fine
In prison again, he’ll do his time.
But here we are together anon
(Zak steps back as Chritmas Fairy steps forward and raises a glass)
Ladies, tis the season to eat drink and be Mary
Merry Xmas Everyone
[FX] Final flashes