69 love songs a musical review in two acts

RADIO TALK SHOW HOST

LIVING WITH LOVE Backed up by The Magnetic Fields

NOTHING MATTERS WHEN WE’RE DANCING.

And we were talking about love

with our special guest Bobby Beausoleil.

What is love, Bobby?

That's what I'd like to know, Tim.

I guess you'd have to say

that the Greeks, pretty much anticipated everything

western folks have thought and felt for 25 centuries.

Well, I'd have to agree with that.

You'd be talking here,

for instance,

about love as friendship,

which the Greeks called philia,

benevolence towards guests

which would be senike,

the mutual attraction of friends,

or hetairike,

and then sensual love of course,

or erotike.
[Trying to fix the bar stool JEAN ends up banging it with his crotch. Then gives up and switches bar stools]
HOST

Let's talk about that.

Fundamentally,

what the Greeks thought

was that love is not just a sentiment

but is actually the physical principle of the universe itself

the very stuff that unifies the universe

you know, binds the universe together.
[KERI enters looks at BILLIE, at MIKE, back at BILLIE, drags a garbage bag full of rose petals to the edge of the stage, stands, looks, hesitates, throws the garbage bag off to the side of the stage. Then sits on bar stool, falls,

JEAN helps her up and together they begin working on the stool.]

Unh-hunh.

You know, I have to say, as an Italian,

I grew up in a family where people just hugged each other all the time.

All the time.

If you were Italian you'd know what I mean.
HOST

I know what you mean.

I know what you mean.
2ND TALK SHOW GUEST

I don't think you do.

Of course you do.

But I don't think you do.

I mean, the other night I went to this cocktail party,

and someone handed me this glass of gorgeous ruby red wine.

And I'm, you know, something of a wine freak.
HOST

I don't mind a glass of wine myself.

And just as I put out my hand to take the glass,

someone came up behind me and shouted

"Leo!"

People do that all the time.

Right. And the wine flew into the air.

God.
2ND TALK SHOW GUEST

And everyone screamed,

even though, in fact, the wine landed only on me.

And I said what the Italians always say when you spill wine.
HOST

What?
MC

What does this have to do with love?
2ND TALK SHOW GUEST

You want to know what I said?

Sure. Sure.

I said: Allegria!

Right.
2ND TALK SHOW GUEST

which means

joy!
[BILLIE rises to test her rollerblades, sits to fix them again. MIKE, still standing center tries to ask her a question, she ignores.]

which I have to say I don't think any of the others really saw;

was that the wine added color to my evening!
HOST

Right.
2ND TALK SHOW GUEST

And this is how it is to be human.
HOST

Right.
2ND TALK SHOW GUEST

I mean you have to bump into walls.
HOST

Don't I know it?

You have to celebrate your craziness and your hummanness.

That is so true.

Bassist, Drummer still looks confused, finally sit, drink a glass of wine.]

Ideally, BILLIE, JEAN, MIKE and KERI, and MC all play musical instruments and might fill in or play with the band depending on their musical talents.

They are all motionless, listening to the radio.

KERI’s cell phone rings.]

2ND GUEST

Because, the fact is,

we're dying of loneliness,

all of us.

Just dying of it.

Well, now. we have a caller here on line one.

Hello, there, you're on the air.
KERI

Hello?
HOST

Hello, you're on the air.
KERI

Hello?
HOST

Hi, doll.

What's your name?

KERI. My name is KERI.

OK! Well, we’re talking about love, KERI!

With our special guest Bobby Beausoleil

What'd you want to say to Bobby and all those listeners out there?

Well, what I want to say is

what I think is--what love is:

Love is how you relate to people

or, if your love is channeled in some other way

it is how you are cold or indifferent or hurtful

to another person.

And so love is who you are

and how you are

what kind of person you are

it's the most factual thing about how you are.

You can't talk your way around it,

make it come out some other way.

It remains the deepest fact about you.

I mean, you can say,

oh, I'm really a nice sensitive person

I treat people with dignity.

But the only way you really know how you relate to other human beings

is in the most secret, secret place

where you are most vulnerable

most open to your private self

when you are making love

you don't even know what you're doing

until you're doing it

and then you see what sort of person you are

whether you are making love with someone else

or you are the president of the united states passing a welfare bill

then you've done it

it's not talk any more

you've acted out your most private deepest self

and lodged it in the flesh of another human being

so that another person feels pain or pleasure

and then you know:

this is who I am.

This is what I do.

And who I am

what I want to do

what feels hot to me

the person or the behavior I can't keep myself from

is so strange

so idiosyncratic

is so odd

so that usually I repress it

if I find myself drawn irresistibly to a man

with bushy eyebrows

or a comforting voice

or something even stranger

muscular thighs

or hair on his chest

or a certain weakness

a vulnerability

so that I sense I can hurt him in a certain way

and then take him to me like a wounded animal

and comfort him

if these are the things that make me weak and shaky with desire

I know this is my truest self

what makes me break out in a sweat.

the kind of thing that makes me a little sick to my stomach

it feels so incredible to me

and of course, I feel embarrassed by it

because people will think I am a sick person

and I am a sick person

You think back through your childhood:

could it have been this or that?
[BILLIE pulls a peach from her pocket and eats]
But the thing that makes you crazy with desire

is too exact and too strange

to have come from anything you can remember.

You have touched the real mystery of human beings

the thing beyond any knowing

the thing that comes from so deep down

no one can tell you where it comes from
This has nothing to do with sex.

Of course, I am talking about sex

about having sex with another person

but it has nothing to do with sex

it has to do with who I am

at such a deep and secret place

no one could explain it.
And this is why people don't want to talk about sex

or think about it

because if they do

they see so deep down into themselves

they see such a strange creature

such a hungry animal

so uncivilized

they don't want to hear about it.

and most unique

I, for instance,

I might become a person who thinks

I am attracted to nice, gentlemanly men

or men who are well-groomed and considerate

I try to forget who I really am

by loving some approximation of what I hope for

or, even worse, by loving someone who has nothing of what I want.

Because I want to think I am a good person.

I think:

what is it to be really, freely who I am

would that be just to follow my urges

and not repress them

or is that just to become enslaved to my urge

and not be free at all

Am I free only when I repress what I freely feel?
And then I think:

well, finally, none of us is free.

We all repress what is most deeply true about us

otherwise we can't go on.

Right.

No one could disagree with that.

I don't know.

Frankly I think I could disagree with it.

I mean, when you're talking about

civilization and....

[Drummer drum rolls into LUCKIEST GUY ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE. JEAN grabs KERI and begins big dance musical number leaving Mike looking on. BILLIE rollerblades out. MIKE keeps getting awkwardly caught in the action. KERI flirts with everyone onstage and in the audience.

Andy would bicycle across town

in the rain to bring you candy

and John would buy the gown

for you to wear to the prom

with Tom the astronomer

who'd name a star for you

(C): But I'm the luckiest guy on the Lower East Side

cause I've got wheels and you want to go for a ride

Harry is the one I think you'll marry

but it's Chris that you kissed after school

I'm a fool, there's no doubt

but when the sun comes out

and only when the sun comes out...

(C)

The day is beautiful and so are you

I know you'd never give me a second glance

but when the weather's nice all the other guys

don't stand a chance

I know Professor Blumen makes you feel like a woman

but when the wind is in your hair you laugh like a little girl

So you share secrets with Lou

but we've got secrets too

Well, one: I only keep this heap for you

cause I'm the ugliest guy on the Lower East Side

but I've got wheels and you want to go for a ride

Want to go for a ride?

MIKE leaves, KERI pulls away, JEAN exits opposite MIKE]

Come back from San Francisco

It can't be all that pretty

when all of New York City misses you

Should pretty boys in discos

Distract you from your novel

Remember I'm awful in love with you
(C): You need me like the wind needs the trees

to blow in Like the moon needs poetry you need me

and kiss me, I've quit smoking

I miss doing the wild thing with you

Will you stay, I don't think so

but all I do is worry

Pack bags, call cabs and hurry home to me...

I've never stayed up as late as this

Excuse me?

Yes?
MIKE

I didn't mean to barge in...
[he closes the umbrella]
I was told I might find a translator here.
BILLIE

Oh, well, I...

I do some translation sometimes.
MIKE

You are?
BILLIE

Billie.
MIKE

Billie.

Good.
I have a book

I need translated into English.

You see,

I want to understand it,

I don’t speak Italian.
BILLIE

Oh.
MIKE

Yes. Right.

Well, I speak French.

Well sort of...what I mean is… anyway…
I have a book,

It’s in Italian

It has pictures, beautiful pictures,

Remarkable pictures actually,

Just exquisite.

But I feel I need to know the poetry.

The Language that goes with them,

To understand.

Nudes.
MIKE

No.

Did I say that?

I guessed.

Well, yes.

Or, no.

Not entirely.

I mean, many are not.

And there are men, too. And old people.

And children, I mean: as friends.

You know.
[silence]
Love.
[silence]
Sex for sure. But: also love.
BILLIE

Oh, well, love.

No wonder it's so complicated.
MIKE

Right.
BILLIE

These days especially.
MIKE

Right.
BILLIE

With what we all know now

what we've come to know.

Exactly.
[silence]

Anyway the texts are in Italian

because well, It’s Italian.
BILLIE

and you don't speak Italian

Right. Well, not so well.

So you need them translated into English.

Right.
[silence]

No problem.

What?
BILLIE

No problem.

I can do that.

Oh. Oh, great, thank you.

Do you have it?

Sure.

So. “Il libro di amore”

Why in Italian?
MIKE

Because It’s, well,

It’s Italian....
BILLIE

Right.
MIKE

You know,

from Europe,

from an ancient civilization in a way,

the old world.

Greece and Rome.

Right.

the things that are deep in human nature and eternal

close to the dreamtime of civilization

Right.
BILLIE

The time of mythology.
MIKE

Right.

Right.

Or, you know, I suppose they could have gotten a woman to write about it.

Right.

No.
[silence]

This could take a while.

Right. Of course,

and you'd rather have some privacy I guess.

I only thought,

if you had any questions.
BILLIE

Sure, sure. You can stay.

You can sit there.
[silence]
MIKE

Do you mind if I just lie down?

I'm sort of jet-lagged.
BILLIE

No. Fine. Please do.

Thanks.
[MIKE lies down; music begins singing LONG-FORGOTTON FAIRYTALE;

she looks at the text for a while, quietly unaware of MIKE singing.]
MIKE [sings]

If someone told me you’d be here

Whispering these familiar things

Talking to my little pets…